So, you’ve heard about the Toxic Waste Short Circuits Bubble Gum, right? No? Well here’s the poop, which also by the way, is toxic waste. A candy company, who shall remain nameless, although if you rearrange the following letters NYAMSDIC and put the word “Candy” in front, you’ll figure it out, this spring recalled a batch of their Toxic Waste Short Circuits Bubble Gum because it was too toxic to put in your mouth, actually any of our mouths.

It had too much lead in it. And this of course, opens a whole Pandora’s box of questions all by itself. Like: how much lead in candy is too much lead? And: there’s lead in candy? Well, yes, Virginia, there is lead in candy and don’t feel . . . oh, stupid if you didn’t know that. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) told me, and frankly I’m glad they regulate stuff like this or who knows what we’d be putting in our mouths.

The FDA says Toxic Waste Short Circuits Bubble Gum (TWSCBG) had twice the lead limit allowed for candy. The limit is .1 parts per million. Okay, that means nothing to me; the important part is TWSCBG had twice that much! And really I’m most impressed by the word “twice.”

Remember when we were kids and we had friends who chewed on the painted windowsills in their houses? And we found out that paint had lead in it meaning it was bad for us, as in lead poisoning? And therefore, Momma would hit you upside the head if she caught you gnawing on the woodwork. I digress to childhood to make a point, and this is it: kids buy gum more than adults do and, they probably are more attracted to gum with Toxic Waste in the name than we are.

One thing that tells me is IQs have dropped precipitously since we were children. Would we have ever purchased anything to consume that was labeled Toxic Waste? No, we would not. Although, we might have bought it for a younger brother or sister who could not read.

Neither would we have purchased NYAMSDIC’s other popular treat, Toxic Waste Nuclear Sludge Chew Bars. Which due to the name, I thought (1) they were for dogs and (2) they were recalled because they contained nuclear sludge. Turned out they were too high in lead content as well.

I’m not a conspiracy-around-every-corner kind of person, but I think something may be going on. I’m thinking maybe the FBI should look into this.

The candies are made in Pakistan. What if this is the latest brainstorm of the Al Qaeda in Pakistan Club? Or since our government says there’s only something like three Al Qaeda members left in all of Afghanistan, they piled into a VW bus, took a road trip to Pakistan and joined Pakistan’s branch of Al Qaeda. Then they had a traffic accident with the Taliban and together they decided to start a toxic waste candy company.

Think about it. What better way to attack us than by the slow process of turning our young into a bunch of dim-wits? We’re already doing that ourselves and most likely wouldn’t even notice until it’s too late. Besides we’re particularly vulnerable as probably the only country in the world where our kids have disposable income and would be foolish enough to spend it on food items clearly labeled toxic waste.

Profitable, effective . . . ingenious.

Cohea, a freelance writer, can be reached by e-mailing a37_tao@hotmail.com.