Recently we bought a 1984 Westfalia Vanagon. For those too young or too old to remember, it’s a camper van Volkswagen made from 1980-1991. It’s turned out to be a time machine. We’re reliving the heady days of our youth, all the crazy monkey fun we had and can’t do anymore which is sort of a bummer, dude. But I digress.

So we got this beauty, can’t wait to go camping, and now my husband wants to get a vanity plate, aka. prestige plate, personalized plate, custom plate. I am so embarrassed. You can tell I’m biased, but I just don’t see the point. Vanity plates cost extra money; in North Carolina, it’s an extra $30 a year in addition to the original $28 plate cost. That’s enough for 30 bags of groceries at Wal-Mart, or 8 Mocha Moolattes at Dairy Queen, or 15 cups of coffee at the coffee shop, or a quarter tank of gas, or almost the whole family to see a movie if your family is really small.

I have never found anything on a vanity plate worth reading. Although, I have spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure them out. Things like NOGRBHE, and IMDGDLVN. I’m assuming if you get a vanity plate you have something of overwhelming need to communicate to fellow drivers. So why then pick SENGULVT? Is this a message about a sea gull? A singing sea gull, that somebody loves? That’s as far as I got. There was HAISSEM. Took me three stoplights—one I almost ran—to figure out this was MESSIAH spelled backwards. As a sufferer myself, let me say this is a nasty thing to do to people with obsessive compulsive disorder when they are driving.

I’ve seen lots of plates I understood. L2PARTY is one. But why would you want to broadcast this if you park your car in the company’s employee lot, I don’t know.

I love tofu turned into ILTOFU on one car. Yes, it is a diet preference, I checked, but here is a prime example of a waste of $30. How many cars filled with old men have followed this 64-year-old woman home only to find out what was for dinner?

What is this lady advertising with 2GRL1CUP? I wouldn’t want to date someone with LUVRATS on their plate? I think they’d be an interesting friend. I once had a rat as a pet. But the point is, do they literally love rats? As pets? Companions? Is this some sort of hinky romantic preference?

Boys, don’t put a plate saying WEEKSPAY on a 1993 Plymouth Colt Vista. Trust me; this will not help you find a date.

COPTEZR gives all the wrong messages, especially if your boyfriend is at the wheel.

At my age, people ought to know better than to put SENILE on their plate. I can’t remember why, but they just ought to know better.

My personal favorite is GUNRUNNR. This works on so many levels, but mostly for the FBI.

Then there are such notables as WYDREAR, SLZBAG, and AXEWMN. Is WYDREAR talking about her car or her backside? I suspect SLZBAG is some ex-girlfriend’s revenge. AXEWMN sounds like my kind of gal; no, I won’t tell you why.

All this plate talk has given me a brainstorm. How about OLDYELLR? The Vanagon is a pale yellow and the drivers are old. Yeah. Or maybe just a bunch of random letters and numbers we only paid $28 for?

Cohea, a freelance writer, can be reached by email at a37_tao@hotmail.com.