First let me say this: I love my doctor, she takes good care of me, and I solemnly swear I have never heard Laura say any of the following.

But have you ever been to your doctor and just when you’re feeling all comfortable and confident in their abilities, they say something you really don’t ever want to hear come out of your health care provider’s mouth? Over the years I’ve compiled a list of verbal boo-boos and I thought I’d share my favorites with you.

Number one on my Hit Parade is “oops.” I don’t ever want to hear my doctor say “Oops!” “Oops” should be reserved for dropping a fork or maybe the tuna can lid on the floor. I don’t know about you, but “oops” to me means a surprise. I loathe thinking my doctor is surprised at anything he encounters in relation to me. And in the exam room when my doctor says, “Oops” two things come to mind; he’s lost an instrument inside me and I’m going to have to take over and retrieve it myself or he’s screwed up something previously working fine which now he’s wondering how to fix.

My next, least favorite thing is “I’m scared, too.” This is especially disturbing when the doctor is in the middle of minor surgery on one of my body parts and I’ve just shared my own anxieties. After upwards of 12 years of education and countless years in practice, my expectation is she will not be doing anything on me that scares her too, because as soon as she says it, she scares me more.

Here’s one from an urgent care clinic and I’ve been wondering about it for a long time. “You’re very clean.” Uhmmmm. This is one of those things where you’re not sure if you should slap your doctor silly or thank him. Seems like a compliment, but, then again, isn’t “clean” just basic hygiene? Makes me think he has a great legion of the “unclean” coming to him disguised perhaps as, your neighbor? Or is he saying he didn’t think I was smart enough to bathe?

Number four is “I’m heavily medicated.” Do I really have to explain why this one is a no-no? If my doctor is heavily medicated, I’d darn well better be medicated, too. In fact, I’d better be near unconscious if she thinks she’s getting anywhere near me! Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for openness and sharing, but I’m reminded of a train engineer text messaging and phoning his friends that he’s letting a teenager do the actual driving of said train. We all know how that worked out.

Next is “I’ve never done this before on a live person.” Really? Well, I haven’t either. How about I go home and take a whack at it myself? It’ll cost me a lot less. In fairness, these youngster doctors are nervous and trying to dispel anxiety.

Wait! They are nervous? How about me? This is when I start wondering what “this” entails and looking for shaking hands. That first date with Lance Balderson (he’s dead, I can use his real name) surfaces in my head and it ain’t pretty. Hands were everywhere and neither of them knew what they were doing…the hands.

I’m over 50. I’ve got more stories, but you get the picture. Hey, why not come up with your own list? And next appointment, listen, really listen to what your doctor says!

Cohea, a freelance writer, can be reached by e-mailing a37_tao@hotmail.com.