by Barb Cohea

Yesterday I picked up my prescriptions at the pharmacy and for the first time I read the inserts that come with them. You know the inserts I mean, a legal size paper folded three ways to sundown stapled to each prescription. I discovered they are captivating! Okay not so much the tiny writing on the backside that starts with “Notice of Privacy Practices” but the good stuff, the “patient prescription information.”

Yes, I was bored; no, I didn’t have anything better to do, and I was prompted by my recent fascination with those commercials on TV advertising prescription drugs. Never mind that the people in these commercials look fit and chipper. I assume that’s due to their longterm use of whatever they’re selling, which will make us all want to buy it. Have you noticed how at the bitter end of them you finally hear about the hideous side effects? Some of them are alarming! In fact, dare I say it? Dude, if truthfully you don’t need the Viagra, maybe you shouldn’t risk the blindness?

I got a cup of coffee, found a comfortable seat and spread out my prescription info sheets. I noticed right off, the side effects sections seemed big. I take four common prescriptions that any average 50 plus woman, including Sally Field because she has “only this one life” takes. And since I take them together I figure I should list their side effects together because if I have any, they’ll probably be coming together.

Here is the short list. I would have included more, but we really don’t have the time. Constipation, gas, nausea, jaw pain, swelling (of important body parts we use every day), headaches, dizziness, muscle pain, excessive sweating (looking forward to that one), body tremors (and this isn’t even in the notify-doctor-immediately section), sleeplessness or drowsiness (you’d think they could make up their minds), loss of appetite, diarrhea, and (funny-looking) vomit (yeah, that’s always pleasant.)

As if those aren’t horrifying enough, under “tell your doctor immediately if” (translation—get your butt to the hospital now!)are swelling of the face and throat, hallucinations, seizures, pounding heartbeat, excessive urination, enlarged breasts (hmmmmm that might not be so bad), blurred vision, and yellow eyes.

Why again am I taking these pills? Oh, that’s right, so my body doesn’t kill me. Let’s see, on the great scale of things I’m weighing body-kills-me vs. I want to kill it! I know these are only possible side effects, but I’m a very sensitive person and if there is a .01% chance of something happening, I usually get it. Point of fact, I have already had some of these and, having read the inserts I’m watching myself very carefully. However, with some of the side effects like confusion and agitation I’m not certain I’ll be thinking straight. So I’m asking everyone—please if you see a woman with a face and throat the size of a watermelon, bright yellow eyes, some big breasts, sweating through her clothes like a barnyard of piggies, desperate to find a toilet, and demanding to see your supreme leader—it’ll probably be me. Since I’ll also have blurred vision, take me to a nice place to rest and hope the drowsiness kicks in. Ah, I’m . . . feeling a little sleepy right now . .

Cohea, a freelance writer, lives in Beaufort and can be reached at a37_tao@hotmail.com.