This month we celebrate fathers. It seems that with graduations and weddings, fathers get short shrift on their day. Perhaps that’s just because that’s the way they are – taking care of their families in an understated way that says “Don’t make a fuss.”

They are a somewhat taken-for-granted breed. Most of them were brought up in traditional households where their mothers stayed home, took take care of the kids, did the household chores and appeared to do so effortlessly. Dad went to work to financially provide for his family. He usually did outside chores like mowing the grass, painting the house, checking the roof, clearing the gutters and keeping the family car running.

A lot has changed for men, particularly those who have retired. Suddenly they have a spouse who can no longer do daily chores. She may have a temporary illness or a chronic one. In any case, she is now the one who needs help.

Not many men expected that one day they would be a caregiver. They have not been taught the intricacies of today’s washing machine with all its choices and electronic controls. They are a little more friendly with a microwave oven, but not without some challenges. A vacuum cleaner seems like a reasonably user-friendly appliance, but modern technology has “improved” our lives so much that we spend half the time figuring out the instructions and then are so frustrated that we don’t feel like seeing if it really works on all surfaces, if the attachments work and if the house is cleaner than when you started.

Making a meal is a big problem. One very intelligent man in one of my caregiver classes had a wonderful plan to make his wife’s special recipe. It had a number of ingredients, and he checked his list. About halfway through he discovered he was missing an ingredient. It was near the bottom of the recipe, and if he had called any of the women in the class, she could have given him advice for a substitute. His wife had Alzheimer’s Disease and couldn’t help him. He was heartbroken that he couldn’t carry through his grand plan. He did eventually call one of his daughters and was able to get dinner ready, even though it was not the one he planned.

In a different class, another man took a novel approach. The first day of class he announced that what he would like from his classmates was “recipes!!!” By the end of the six weeks, we had a mini-recipe exchange going and we all benefitted.

One of the more difficult tasks for the male caregiver is the routine of daily life – bathing, dressing, toileting, and eating. It is a tough thing for a son or husband to bathe and dress his mother, grandmother or spouse.

We tend to think that men take care of all the financial household matters when, in fact, many women do this. Share the information about monthly bills and statements, insurance companies, investments and legal documents. Women have typically been the one to remember birthdays, anniversaries and family events. Make a list while you can.

To help the next generation, women should make sure that her spouse knows how to do more than pick up his socks and boil water. We should have taught them years ago, but it’s not too late. Being a caregiver is not easy for anyone. Men seem to have a more difficult time because so many things are unknown to them.

Happy Fathers’ Day to all, particularly the male family caregivers.