Ever since my cousin, the aging ex-beauty queen, called raving about her new makeup, Naked Minerals (names have been changed to protect the author), I’ve been thinking Entrepreneurial Opportunity. I’ve spent my whole life in science and, lucky for me, am intimately acquainted with the key ingredient in Naked Minerals—which is dirt. Okay, I could dress it up and call it soil, but as Sarah Palin once said, “It’d still be a pig in lipstick” or something like that.

Dirt is everywhere. Since it comes from rocks we have a never ending supply, because of a little thing called the Rock Cycle. People, we learned about this in school so all I’ll say is that this cycle gives us dirt and dirt is so important we named our whole planet after it and that would be Earth.

NM seems to have arisen out of our quest for natural products. Unfortunately, we always assume that means they won’t harm us. Alas, arsenic is a well-known, natural product, and we all know not to eat it or smear it on our faces. Although some 600 women during the Italian Renaissance smeared it on their faces, and subsequently some 600 Italian men died who just happened to be their husbands.

Natural white lead and mercury were popular for a long time as makeup. So too, was an egg white wash to give that glazed look, you know like on baked bread. I frequently have a glazed look on my face, but for totally different reasons. And of course, to prevent a “low hairline” (No, I don’t know what that is), you’d use the all-natural vinegar and steeped cat poop forehead wrap.

How about squeezing a lemon into your eyeball for “bright eyes”? Not sure what bright eyes are, but I know it’d give me squinty eye, due to the resulting pain.

Big benefits are attributed to using NM. One: It will reduce obvious, screaming ugly imperfections and skin flaws on your face. Man! I’ve got some of those! Two: It will enhance your face assets so they stick out more. I don’t really have anything on my face that needs to stick out more.

Also, there is ‘built-in’ sun protection. Well, hello; if you cover your skin with dirt, the sun can’t get through, and BAM! sun protection. Native peoples used that for years before we sold them sunscreen.

I don’t use makeup, but when cousin, ex-beauty queen, sent me some of hers, I felt obligated. After all, she was a beauty queen and NM ain’t cheap. I also embraced the impression that I’d be wearing nothing—as in nude, sexy. Tried it, felt so naked I had to take it off and just wear my regular old face.

Cousin says the company offers classes on how to wear it. She says the “starter kit” is less than $100. Personally, I try not to purchase vanity products that cost more than I make in a day’s work. If I don’t spend time cleaning my house, why would I take time to attend a makeup class?

I like my idea better. I’m digging up various colors of sand, silt and clay from my backyard. Next, I’ll crush them to powder in my spice grinder; nobody wants a gritty face. After that comes packaging . . . including my special water to mix the mud and a tiny trowel to apply it.

Pleeeease look for Barb’s Best Unembellished Mud Makeup at a hardware store near you; guaranteed not to run, except in the rain.

Cohea, a freelance writer, can be reached by emailing a37_tao@hotmail.com.