Here’s a phrase I never thought I’d use—because of a crush my 91-year-old Aunt Myrtle has on an 89-year-old civil engineer, she lost all her money.

She says, “He’s cute.”

I’ve seen pictures of him; trust me, cute he is not. But Myrt is in love. The guy my family now refers to as “that guy” is the one who predicted the Rapture would take place May 21, 2011.

As a longtime devotee of “that guy,” imagine Myrtle’s surprise when she awoke in her own bed on the morning of May 22. I don’t have to because along with two other nieces, one nephew, and Myrtle’s baby brother, Uncle Funny (don’t ask), we were all there.

Myrtle, known to be a bit sanctimonious, called us together for a family dinner on the evening of May 21. A calculated, rub-our-noses in it, goodbye dinner, Auntie invited us expecting we would be part of the great “left behind.” Personally, if Myrtle and her civil engineer turned self-taught Biblical scholar were right, I was looking forward to a much less populated planet. So on the 22nd I, too, felt her pain. Everyone was still here.

We were cooking breakfast and having coffee when Myrtle tiptoed into the kitchen.

“Not you, too?” were the first words she spoke.

“Myrt,” Uncle Funny said, “This ain’t heaven, it’s Elm Street.”

She went straight to her phone. Each call to her friends was identical, only the names changed. “Helen? You’re still here? I didn’t know if I went or not.” Then she’d look at us. “They’re here, too.”

Seven calls and 45 minutes later, she knew the truth. Harold was wrong. We gathered round the table again.

Cousin Monica got out her research, “Aunt Myrtle, Harold has been wrong before.”

“I know that. But that was way back in 1994.”

“You knew this?,” came from Uncle Funny. Monica read about Harold calculating Christ’s return for September 1994. When that didn’t happen either, he said he might have made a math error. The man is a civil engineer, and he made a math error? Civil engineers design things like bridges, buildings and tunnels. Maybe I could get a list of his structures, so I can avoid having one of them fall on my head.

Then Aunt Myrtle brought up the time I calculated angles of 180 degrees and 33 degrees needed for my father to cut a decorative triangle-shaped board for the house’s exterior wall up by the pointy part of the roofline. Myrtle’s point was anyone can make a math mistake. I was 13.

Unfortunately for Myrtle, Monica also had Harold’s formula. Here’s how it works: Christ was crucified on April 1, 33. So you subtract this number from April 1, 2011 getting 1,978 years. Multiple that by 365.2422 (solar days/year) and then add 51 (days from April 1st to May 21st). Now you have 722,500, which is equal to 5 x 10 x 17 squared. No wonder Myrtle was impressed.

Uncle Funny was impressed when Myrtle revealed she’d signed her house over to the nice Jewish couple renting down the street (they’d surely be left behind), and donated her money to a group dedicated to feeding the rest of us who weren’t going anywhere either.

Myrtle now lives with Uncle Funny. He’s praying Harold’s revised calculation of October 21, 2011 is correct and Myrt will be raptured out of his house by the 22nd. We don’t have the heart to tell him Harold says that’s the end of the whole world not the Rapture.

Cohea, a freelance writer, can be reached by e-mailing  a37_tao@hotmail.com.