I recently became the proud owner of a pre-owned times two, but new to me, Honda XLCRSWQZ double D fully-automatic, comfort ride ATV. Don’t bother to ask me what that all means. I’ve got no idea, as I just made that stuff up, except for “pre-owned,” which is a less painful way of saying one could not afford to get a “new” something and therefore got a “used” something. Example: I get all my pre-owned clothes at the Goodwill Store. See the deft use of “pre-owned” in that sentence?

My used four-wheeler was owned by two other crazy island people before me, which in the world of the coconut telegraph means, it’s a good buy. Nobody takes care of vehicles on an isolated island like crazy people do.

I picked up my new ride, whipped my ball cap on backwards like the cool (as in trendy) people do and sped off. All our roads on Cumberland Island are one lane and washboardy dirt. Since numbers of cars and people are severely restricted, as soon as I hit fourth gear, I was flying through the maritime forest jungle alone. The strains of “Born Free” wafted through the live oak trees. My ride was hitting 15 mph so after singing “as free as the wind blows,” I shifted into fifth and ran her out to 25 mph.

I was mildly concerned about my reckless behavior, and certainly this should go under the heading, “don’t try this at home.” I was without helmet and screaming (figuratively and literally) around blind curves. The sun was slowly setting, I was 30 minutes from home, and all I had with me were my sunglasses.

I’d been using my “shades” to deflect bugs, but sunglasses don’t work so well in the dark. I was forced to abandon them. A dangerous proposition as flying beetles pummeled my forehead like highway gravel thrown up by a Mac truck. A bug the size of a small bird almost put my eye out and when something lumbering through the air ricocheted off my cheek leaving a wet spot behind, I was sure I was bleeding. I put my shades back on, positioning them on my nose like cheater readers to protect whatever they could cover. Since that didn’t include my eyes, I squinted to give the bugs smaller targets. My headlights pierced the gathering dark, meaning I could see the bugs coming.

I had not even thought of the wild horses and deer that use the roads, too. It occurred to me that if I struck one I’d be wearing it like a faux fox fur coat. Another executive decision had to be made, slow down thus lengthening the trip or maintain speed. Dark now, it was also colder and my frozen arthritic thumb was barely able to depress the throttle.

Gentlemen, with women there is always another critical factor to consider: Do we or do we not have to go to the toilet? I maintained speed.

My cut cheek, a badge of honor to be proud of, turned out to be a wet mass of smashed bug. What I took for blood trickling down my face for the last two miles was only the critter ungluing itself and trying to crawl away.

Ever since that night, I’ve been surfing the web looking for an online Hell’s Angels’ application. I suppose I could start a chapter here on the island. If the boys came out here, I know I could keep up. Do you think they accept four-wheelers?

Cohea, a freelance writer, can be reached by e-mailing  a37_tao@hotmail.com.