I don’t get the whole baggy pants thing. You know what I mean. We’ve all seen it, and cringed; young guys think it’s cool. There’s the pants legs wide enough to accommodate a heavy-set elephant. The waistband falling around their hips (the kid’s, not the elephant’s) and the crotch that hangs down to their knees.

Did you know “they” buy their pants that way! “They” are not wearing their older brother’s hand-me-downs. Imagine, paying good money to be in constant danger of tripping and falling over your own crotch.

The other day I was at my favorite coffee shop when a young man, early 20’s came in. He looked like any other normal human except for his shorts. If he’d been a woman, I would have called them capris. He walked by me and I had this compulsion to grab him and wrestle his pants back up to his waist; don’t tell me you haven’t thought the same thing. Of course I didn’t touch him. Plus, he probably would have fought me. I sized him up; if I’d had a bad day at work I could have taken him.

Instead, I got interested in his walking. Sort of the same way a woman wearing a straight-styled, mid-calf length skirt without the helpful side slit would. The words, mincing and carefully, come to mind. Tragic.

I was grateful he was not wearing underwear, uhmmmm oops. I was grateful I could not see them.

But I did not wonder how he managed to keep those shorts attached to his buttocks. Because I know.

I swear this is true. Because I saw it. And asked questions. I was on a passenger ferry to Cape Lookout. The young man facing the bow next to me had on a pair of these devices. I noticed, well, something down his shorts, in the back, that I’m pretty sure if you’re over age 30 you’ve never seen before. Looked like a piece of cloth attached to him, and it had a snap leading to his shorts. Okay, I confess I looked more than once, but only because I’m always interested in learning new things and it was fascinating. The ice-breaker is always the most difficult part of these conversations. I said, “Hey there, excuse me, but I think you’ve got some sort of insect down the back of your shorts.”

I’m finding as I get older I can get away with saying all kinds of off-the-wall stuff and that was all it took. I learned the following. “They” now make something that apparently has the strength of superglue and you can use it to stick clothes that would otherwise fall off your body, to your body. He told me “chicks” use it to make sure their low-cut blouses are not too revealing. And guys use it to stick the cloth tab (yeah, cloth tab) that comes with their shorts to their, well, behinds. Then they snap the snap to the shorts’ snap and viola! Gravity has been defeated. When you want to de-glue yourself; a solvent means no fuss-no muss.

Personally, I balk at swishing solvents down my shorts, front or back. And I’d be forever re-sticking and solventing cause I wouldn’t be able to get the tab right—obsessive compulsive disorder will do that to you. I’d also be worried that my shorts would be stuck on me cock-eyed.

It’s all too much trouble. Seems to me it would be easier just to buy shorts that fit.

Cohea, a freelance writer, can be reached by e-mailing a37_tao@hotmail.com.