I love nature stories so when I saw the headline, “Man Uses Live Swan to Beat Up Victim,” I had to pursue it. Seems this unassuming, your average swan-on-the-street, bird was minding its own business by the bank of the river, Isar, in Munich, Germany.

Said swan is not bothering anyone when along come two very drunken men (yes, men again, but these things just don’t happen with women involved). The drunkards take exception to another German man’s accent. You see, the drunkards are from the area previously known as West Germany and the other fella, Steven, is from the old East Germany. What makes me scratch my head is, this was a cultural clash, based on accent. How ridiculous is . . . oh, wait a minute that would be like Southerners and Yankees getting riled up over how each other talks. Uhmmmmm.

Back to the story . . . The two drunkards, Sebastian and his friend, are really angry and the fact that Steven is a tourist does not help. I think we can all relate to that. Not that I have anything against tourists, but…

Back to the story . . . It is reported Sebastian and friend spew vitriolic abuse at Steven. I want to say that the Germans must be a pretty polite society, because our standards for nasty speech are so not the same. After all, they called Steven a pig. Yep, a pig. If this is the best they could do to blow off steam I can see how this escalated into a swan fight.

Sebastian becomes so exercised, probably from not having any good old American-style curse words to hurl, that he picks up the first weapon that wanders into his vicinity. We do not know yet the name of the swan. And I think since “the swan” plays a pivotal role here, we should. We know Steven, Sebastian, okay we don’t know Sebastian’s friend, but are they trying to protect the swan’s privacy? I’m calling “the swan,” Judy.

Sebastian is big. Judy’s a petite, 2’10”, weighing in at less than 30 lbs. Sebastian grabs Judy by the neck. He commences to swinging Judy around his head like a club. Judy, she’s going, “what the ?” And then it’s wallop, wallop, and wallop. Sebastian is beating the crapola out of Steven using Judy’s feathery behind. The two of them, Sebastian and Steven, are running down the river bank, and Judy’s flopping along, still in Sebastian’s grasp.

We aren’t sure what Sebastian’s frame of mind was, but somehow he next encounters a barbecue grill. Thank goodness, because Judy was about at her wit’s end with this guy. Maybe Steven was outrunning him. At any rate, Sebastian picks up the grill and pitches that at Steven. In case you are wondering, the report says the grill was “filled with red-hot coals.” Some bottle throwing occurs, the police are called, and Sebastian admits he has a tad bit of an anger management problem and Sebastian’s friend vows never to drink, at least with Sebastian, again. Sebastian also gets a two-year suspended sentence from the local judge.

Steven and Judy escape with minor injuries. Judy gets herself a good lawyer and hits the old Jerry Springer show circuit. And remember. Never ever use a swan as a club . . . at least in Germany.

Cohea, a freelance writer, can be reached by email at a37_tao@hotmail.com.